For me, a recent final epiphany sparked a new journey of change and starting over (again!) and was marked by an open vision, a question, and a decision. A decision that has ignited flames of transformation within my soul. A decision, indeed an opportunity of a lifetime, to shed the old and step into the new. 

Let me tell you the story…

Sometimes you hit a crisis of faith - not because you’ve done something wrong or hit a rough patch in your spiritual walk. Sometimes it needs fresh victories. This is a word of RESURRECTION for those who’ve felt flattened when their “faith” has failed.

When all those people whipped out their phones, we were there. We could not look away. Not again. Not this time. And if I’m honest, that’s what really surprised and terrified me - the global outcry and what came after.

The veils were ripped away and, suddenly, the shadows of in-betweenness were no more. I, personally, could no longer live and hide in those shadows.

And I hadn’t even known I was doing that.

That got me thinking: How often has that been true about me? How many of us, if we’re really honest, are like that? Knowing deep in our hearts that we’re not REALLY ready to receive…the prize. What prize? What’s the prize?

The prize is what you prayed for. The prize is getting what you want. 

He said, “You know, Shannon, depression is a spirit. It’s a seductive spirit. Because, while it’s tearing you apart, it’s also feeding you chemicals that feel good. Good enough to make you keep it around. Good enough to not cast it out… You can be free.”

I didn’t know if what I believed was really going to be right when it came down to it. I didn’t know if I was crazy or if my path was actually leading somewhere. I didn’t always know if I was hearing God or just listening to my imagination. I didn’t know…

Trauma and grief can and will get you stuck and, somewhere within ourselves, we believe that staying there honors the memory of those that have gone before. I’m here to tell you THAT’S A BIG FAT LIE!!!

“Lean in,” I heard. It was a simple, quiet statement. I knew what it meant instantly and it scared me. It meant:

\ Stretching a little farther in embracing (even the idea of) joy and hope for the future.

\ Releasing more fear that the bottom might drop out. Again.
\ Trusting that the worst is behind and the best is yet unfolding.

Lean in. Drink deep…

Our room faced the backyard and gave a wide-windowed view of a pomegranate tree they’d had for decades - bare, stripped-down limbs devoid of any fruit, flower, or leaf. It was the end of October, smack dab in the middle of fall, and the barrenness of that tree would go on to mock my own every single morning for months…

When had the abject misery and despair I was listening to - that I remembered knowing would never end - become something unrecognizable?

“Am I crazy for believing God is going to heal me?” Is that you or has that been you?

If it is, never fear. You’re not waiting in vain ❤️‍🩹

...I still either have to brace myself or forget and get spin-cycled through the day/week/whatever.

Is that you?

I’m praying for you - for us - today so you know you’re not alone. You’re not forgotten. You are loved.

From the very beginning of things going sideways, though, I had the most delicious peace square in the center of my being. Now, my mind...that’s been another story lol! But, you know, I learned something long ago that has LITERALLY been my light in dark times: FOLLOW THE PEACE! GOD IS AAAAALLLWAYS IN THE PEACE…

“OH MY GOD...!!” I gasped before I could catch myself. And then whoooosh! Every thought I had went right out the window. In that instant - in that eternal and pregnant moment - I was reminded of the only thing that matters…

One of the hardest things in the world is learning and then confronting who you are. Who you really are when everything that’s made you “you” isn’t around anymore. But now we’re all doing it. We’re all finding out who we REALLY are. Together. Right now. And it’s happening fast.

So what’s the last thing you heard? Do you remember? Have you finally stopped long enough yet during this quarantine to ask?

Resting is about more than jumping on a plane and getting away from it all or having a whole five minutes, hour, or day to oneself. You can be in either of those scenarios and many others and still not run into it. Why??

GUILT 

Good ol’ fashioned guilt. 

Suddenly, I saw myself making my way thru LAX - prophetic, forward-moving, life-giving paintings in my right hand and Jermaine’s urn under my left arm - and heard:

‘NO EXTRA BAGGAGE’

boom loudly and clearly in my spirit. I knew what it meant instantly…

I read an article some years back that said that whatever friends you make by 20-something would be the only friends you’d make from then on.

Scary! Especially considering that most of the s**t that torpedoes longtime relationships typically happens after thirty. LOL!

Yesterday Nipsey Hussle died. Rapper to some. Visionary to others. Father, son, brother, and friend to a few. Humanitarian and man of the people to most. We met a couple times, were from the same hometown on Los Angeles’ westside, and we travelled in some of the same circles in the LA entertainment orbit but I can’t say I ‘knew’ him. Still…I can feel it.